*drags chair and pulls it up to the table…*
Okay.. I know that we’ve been here before.
I’ve made you promises, told you I’d be around more… I could start with an apology but at this point, I just need you to know that you remain one of the most important pieces of my life.
I’m ready to do whatever it takes to show you that I can’t go on without you.
I want you. Your mind. I need that. Your attention. All of it.
I miss the old days… you know, when you’d throw your head back to the left and laugh out loud at my jokes on your way to work, how you’d scroll through the blog in bed before you drifted off, stop and ponder, possibly disagree with what I was saying, maybe share it with your friends.
I miss the times I used to end up as the topic of discussion in your group chat. I miss us.
I hope you can forgive my absence. I’ve thought about you often.. how you were getting on? And about what you read on the train to work these days? Another blog maybe?
If you managed to find a blog that read like mine or did you have to settle for a dusty copy of the Evening Standard…
Okay, I’m done sweet talking you. At the end of the day, it’s not really like you can do without me! You’ve missed me. I’ve missed you. Rehrehreh
What is important is that I’m back babyyyyy!
So, let’s get into the discussion of the day: I feel like I should do a full update but I’ll reserve that for another time.. next post maybe.
I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this one either so we’ll be figuring it out together as we go along.
*6.30 am. Monday morning:
I love those first few moments when I wake up in the morning.
You know, when your mind is just completely blank.
My thoughts are always running so I cherish those seconds each day.
Even before I can register the fact that I’m alive or thank God for a new day, I enjoy the simple pleasure of nothing.
This may be a wrong assumption but I think most if not all people wake up like that.
No matter where you are on the planet… Whether you sleep in a gold plated four poster bed in Buckingham palace or behind a skip on a side road in Shoreditch.
Everyone gets those first 20 odd seconds of nothing.
This morning after my beloved 20 seconds passed, I set my alarm on snooze twice. Grudgingly, I allowed daylight to enter my eyes and geared myself up for the vexations of the day that were to ensue before squinting at my phone screen and flipping through the notifications that came in overnight.
“Saheeeeed! you’re probably sleeping but I gotta give you the gist. Soooooo the date went well, he’s a bit short but what he lacks in height he makes up for in mortgages lol. Two to be exact!
#ISSAHUSBAND I’ll vnote you the deets later”
“Hey guys, so your boy is finally turning 30 and I’m having a party on the…”
“Dami babes, I checked my calendar? Coffee date Thursday? Let me know x
“Hi Tania, apologies for my late reply. I’ve seen your email. Can we schedule a conference call for Wednesday to talk through everything? I’m thinking 6.30?”
“Ajoke, forgot to tell you to take the meat out of the freezer. Check on the bottom shelf. Don’t forget to off your straighteners Mum x”
“Fam. Did we even go? Seun locked his keys in the boot so the whole evening was a writeoff. We watched XFactor and went to bed 😂”
“The red dress doesn’t fit me anymore😢 lool. I’m just gonna wear jeans man kmt!”
“I’ll answer those later” I thought as I sat up. Muttered a quick “Thank you Lord for a new day” prayer before dragging myself to the bathroom to deep my entire life and “impossible” to do list whilst running a bucket bath. (Showers are a luxury reserved for weekends and hair wash days only).
Got dressed, grabbed my laptop off the side, slipped on my patent flats and shouted goodbye to my sister from the bottom of the stairs.
Boom.. so we’re moving now.
Power walking to the train station.
Bumping J Cole’s “Love Yourz” because usually if I rap along to the song all the way through two and a half times, I’ll reach the station barriers just as Jay’s crooning
“…For what’s money without hapiness?
Or hard times without the people you love?”
Cool. We’re at the station, waiting to tap in, exhausted from rapping the song three times over and still not fully awake yet… thinking about how I had to leave my beloved bed to go to “work”, and how much “work” I have to do today, and how annoyed I am this man won’t move down the carriage and how cold it is especially because I left my scarf on the sofa and how I’m sure the dress I’m wearing must have shrunk in the dryer because it’s moving mad!
I’m also extremely troubled by how inconsiderate it is for the babe on my left to be eating a fried egg roll on this packed district line Train at 7.47 in the morning!!!
Basically, I’m just p’eed off at everything and everyone.
Fleeting feelings of dissatisfaction with some of the current mundane rituals of my life swell in my chest like the digestive biscuit I’m now dunking in my lukewarm cup of tea. (Btw, we’ve reached work and we’re at my desk lol)
Anyone else feel like that sometimes?
I probably should just face my front but social media is the perfect vehicle to take you on a procrastination cruise whenever you want to roll out soooo I scroll through endless posts of my fellow millennials and all the amazing things they’re doing this Monday morning.
Post after post about those that were “brave” enough to quit their 9-5 to start a cool tech company or those backpacking around southeast Asia…
I feel envious of their “courage”.
I take look at myself in the work toilet mirror and compare my reality to my “jet-setting, avocado on toast eating, hiiii Snapchattttt, Dubai quicklyyy” mates and think “Rahhh dennnnnnn, your life’s a bit dead Damz don’t you think?”
*Whatsapp message: *
William Adoasi: “Don’t give up fam. You’re there for a reason…”
And then it comes to me in the most humbling way:
“Errrrm. Hello hi? Is everything okay upstairs?
You are doing everything that you said you wanted to do this time last year. Chill out man. 🙄
You’re doing a ting. YOU ARE DOING YOUR THING.”
As humans, we are so obsessed with acquisition.
From the moment we’re born, we’re placed on the conveyor belt of life with our arms to the sky.
“I want that.”
“I need this”
“If only I could just get there”
“If only I could fix this”
I remember being in Uni and so desperately wanting to graduate.
I just wanted to be on the other side.
To have those letters after my name. Nothing else really mattered.
And I was convinced that once I got “there”, I’d be happy.
And truly, I was elated.
All that graft, hard work, literal tears…
Walking up to that podium was a euphoric experience…
But then, those feelings wore off.
I was left with an itch for more.
Discontentment returned with his bags and our 6 kids and pointed at all of what I deemed as my “inadequacies.”
I was having an interesting conversation with my friend and he asked me
“D, what do you think happiness is?”
And since then, I’ve been asking everyone lol.
If we’ve spoken in the last 10 days, I’ve definitely asked you.
I tried to leave a couple inserts from my favourite responses at the bottom of this post but WordPress is moving a bit Beyoncé atm but I’m grateful for everyone’s input.
Some of the themes that appear to be reoccurring include:
• Peace of mind
• No regrets
• An unexplainable warm internal feeling
• Light in heart.
* Thursday 7.30am It’s my birthday today.
I am 27.
I know right? Wild wild wild.
(I look and feel 21 so it’s fine.)
And this year, I’m taking stock of my here and now and I truly appreciate where I am in my life.
I remember when I used to pray to God to be happy.
Now, I forget to thank Him for what have become “little blessings”
Like my precious family.
And real friends… both old and new.
And for friends that have become family.
And peace of mind.
And good health.
And the privilege of giving love to others.
For my job and lovely colleagues
For my achievements
For my dreams that will continue to become my achievements.
For the wisdom that has come as I’ve matured in age.
For forgiveness and the ability to forgive.
For the lessons learnt from bad decisions and heartbreak.
For new challenges, interests, loves and passions.
For music lol. For life would be truly dead without it.
For those magic moments in every day that make life amazing… like that first sip of hot chocolate from Picolo bar on a Sunday morning and kisses on the forehead and belly aching, tear jerking laughter. For that feeling I get when I wake up early enough watch the sunrise and those jokes I catch running silly MC battles with my Sade Blade in the kitchen whilst we clean up.
For the gift of faith, which helps light my path on those darker days
For the redeeming grace I’ve found in Christ, that offers assurance and reaffirmation though I wrestle at times the questions that are difficult to answer.
I’m grateful for a life well spent so far.
If I continue to list the things I’m grateful for, you’ll probably be reading until my next birthday.
“Happiness is where you find it… and that’s where the choice comes in”
-Taiwo Omotayo, 2017.
Free and open in heart and mind, full of hope and optimism.
And I find it in all those things I’ve mentioned above.
Not because my life is perfect…
But because I have deeped that “THERE”
“There” is right now. As I type this from the comfort of my bed.
26 has been good to me. I trust 27 will be sweeter.
Choose Happiness yall!
Till next time,